Sample Scene — How To Be a Dog

SCENE 2 – THE STREET

(The scene is the street. There is a pile of full plastic garbage bags at center stage. Milo races onto the stage obviously out of breath.)

MILO

Who am I? Where am I? Wow, that was insane. Cars and people … screeching brakes … dogs in yards barking … everywhere. And that cop trying to snag me again … “better luck next time, flatfoot” (With Jimmy Cagney impression.). Yeah, that’s my old pal, Officer Soapy … always lathers up with way too much of the ol’ Irish Spring in the morning. Soapy … I could smell you a mile away (With Irish accent.). And there we were, me and Soapy … running and dodging … and then that tremendous head fake, and poor Soapy goes ass over dog dish … and that’s a lot of ass … and then me running … running some more. Whew … I’m bushed.

And I’m starving … starving. A little bowlful of dog food is okay for laying around … but for the race I’ve been running, you need something with some more zip … some more zing.

WHEN IT’S TIME FOR ME TO DINE

I GO OUT OF MY MIND

I’M STARVING FOR SOME REAL FOOD

IF IT SITS IN MY BOWL

IT WILL FILL UP MY SOUL

AND ELATE THE MOST AWFULEST OF MOOD

BUT IF I GET MY CHOICE

OF BITS DRY OR BITS MOIST

OR FOR ANYTHING THAT I EVER CAN WISH

I’LL NEVER ORDER

A HOUSE STEAK FROM SOME PORTER

I’LL HAVE THE PUTRID SANDWICH

IF IT’S DEAD OR ALIVE

OR FROM SOMEWHERE INSIDE

I’M NOT CHOOSY, I’M OPEN TO ALL

I LOVE GLISTENING CHUNKS

OF USED UP CHIPMUNKS

MARINATING IN BLADDERY GALL

NO, NOTHING’S TOO GAUCHE

FOR WHAT I CHERISH MOST

MAYBE A LONG OPENED TIN OF CANNED FISH

ON MATZOS UNLEAVEN

THAT STINK TO HIGH HEAVEN

I’LL HAVE THE PUTRID SANDWICH

SO WHETHER IT’S A STIFF LITTLE BIRD

OR A TASTY SMALL TURD

OR A SQUIRREL THAT COULDN’T MAKE THE OTHER SIDE

I’M A GREAT LICKER UPPER

OF SOME TRULY GROSS SUPPER

EITHER RAW OR HOT SIDEWALK FRIED

JUST THROW IT MY WAY

WHETHER PINK GREEN OR GRAY

WHAT COULD TRULY BE A MAGNIFICENT GRAND DISH

AND I OFTEN HAVE HURLED

SOMETHING OUT OF THIS WORLD

WITH AN INTESTINAL FLARE AND A SQUISH

KNOWN TO ME AND MINE

I’M TALKING CANINE

AS THE ILLUSTRIOUS

AND REPUGNUSTRIOUS

YES I’LL HAVE THE PUTRID SANDWICH

And what have we here … ah, the ubiquitous, shiny black bags filled with yesterday’s leftovers.

(Milo walks around pile of garbage bags and appraising it.)

IT’S GARBAGE DAY

Gotta be something here I can get my mouth around. (Sniffs one bag in particular.) Well, well … do I distinguish the whiff of a take-out connoisseur? Ah, yes … I can picture him now … a dinnertime adventurer who travels through the world’s cuisines picking up a cultural forkful here and a spoonful of exotica there. (Sniffs.) Ah yes, a bit of General Tso’s Chicken as we tip a hat to the Hunan province. And what’s this (Sniffs.) … ah, the remnants of a chimichanga with the music of the mariachi in the background. (Sniffs.) And hello Napoli, a crust of pepperoni pizza … my heart, be still … a veritable world of dining experience.

But wait … what’s that? (Sniffs.) Is it dessert? (Sniff … sniffs again.) No, not the sweetness of a birthday cake … or even a cupcake. Too much … (Sniffs.) … mint … and … (Sniffs … sniffs again) … sweat … buckets of sweat. Sweat of a man who loves the smell of Irish Spring in the morning. Ah, Officer Soapy … I could smell you a mile away … five miles … ten miles. And so we must bid adieu and a fond farewell to our world travels as we hit the road again. Arrevaderci mes amigos … may our paths cross again one day.

(Milo exits. Lights out.)